Conflicted

A few weeks ago, the event I planned for the Seattle Chapter of the Surfrider Foundation commenced, and we made around $2500. It was so much fun, and we had a really good turnout!

To celebrate this acheivement, I went to the Oregon coast with my Cousin Tait, Aunt Colleen, Uncle Pat, Uncle Chris, and Uncle Todd.

Here comes the kicker. The event was to raise awareness for the protection of our oceans, waves and beaches -- and I went to ride quads on the beach the next weekend. These two hobbies are in direct contradiction of each other and therefore doing both makes me a hypocrite. I have such a conflicted personality.... I believe we need to save our environment from ultimate ruin, but I also like to have a good time and therefore use the environment for activities that induce an adrenaline rush. Maybe there is still a chance for me?

But, I have to admit... it was a BLAST! It was also fun to think that next time I go, I'm bringing my surfboard and wetsuit so I can do both. :)

Here are some pics from hanging out at the beach!

Pat looks worried!
Tait getting some lessons.
Not only are we family, but we are color coded!

This is vague.

I have always been delighted at the prospect of a new day, a fresh
try, one more start, with perhaps a bit of magic waiting somewhere
behind the morning.

-- J.B. Priestly (1894-1984) English Author

I get 'positive quotes' sent to my inbox every morning. I also get my horoscope sent to me every morning, which is really just an exercise in interperetation, but fun all the same.

The last year has been a trying one. Several failed relationships with friends as well as men, deciding to finally deal with the fact that I was unhappy, that I had not done one thing I thought I would have done by now, finding out some of the things I thought were fun are not so fun at all, and realizing that no one is going to fix me. I have to fix me, I have to make the decisions based on me -- no one else, I have to figure out what kind of eggs I like (that was a runaway bride reference), and I'm going to change in the process. I don't hang out with many people that have been staples in my life for years, and yes that bothers me, but not as much as it bothers me that I didn't and don't know how to reach out to those I have wronged.

I admit I've done some damage. I haven't treated myself the way I would want someone else to, I put others first and sacrificed myself because I thought making others happy made me happy. I don't know when I got to the point that I had to start telling people that were in my daily life--people I spoke to ALL DAY--that I needed something from them. I guess I got really good at making light of bad situations so people I guess thought it was no big deal. So, no one cared. Or if they did I didn't know it. I don't know how to ask for things for myself, mostly because I didn't know what I needed. I was the go to girl when a guy was bugging one of my friends, or when someone needed help -- I get things done. I'm persistant, and I protect my friends, but I wasn't very good at letting people do that for me.

An old friend of mine recently passed away and at the memorial service the preacher got up and said something that really hit hard. I hadn't seen Josh since high school. I haven't been back to Ferndale since high school, nor had I really been back to Bellingham for 4 years and if I did go, it was for the day. I didn't have any connections left. I had so many memories associated with painful growth patterns from Whatcom county that it got to a point where I didn't even want to show my face there anymore. Too many friends that died, too many stupid fights, and too many stuipd mistakes can make you feel pretty small. But, during the memorial service, the preacher said something that we hear so often that is sent via emails, and forwarded around the world 8 billion times, that we say to people when they are going through a tough time, and that until you are that person going through that tough time you don't truly understand. People pull away and we let them. People hide things they are ashamed of for fear of rejection. People are afraid of letting their friends down. People do not want to bother you with their real problems. People won't tell you there is something wrong and they need help until they REALLY need help, and sometimes then it feels too late. The preacher said bother each other. Rely on each other, ANNOY EACH OTHER.

I don't know if anyone actually reads this blog. In any case, here are my words of wisdom. No one is perfect. Relationships are messy. Give people space but don't let them get away. Don't lose yourself in anything or anyone, find happiness in the presence or action. Think before you act. Tell people they mean something to you on an occasion that is not a holiday or that is merely in response to a tragic scenario. Remember that not everyone fits into your obsessions, but that doesn't mean they don't fit into your life. Take risks, be brave, tell the truth, even if it sucks and someone gets mad at you. Don't judge, accept.

I'm preaching today because a friend of mine is going through something insanely hard. Emotionally hard, which is the worst kind since you can't put a cast on it and get sympathetic oohs and ahhs when you tell the story of how it happened. Its tearing her up, its hard to watch, and its also hard to not be able to do anything but listen. So, I listen. And I listen some more. And I remind myself that I have hurt before to the point where it was hard to even look at people let alone reach out. So, I'm going to do what I would want someone to do to me. I'm going to call her all the time. I'm going to annoy her until I piss her off, take a break for a couple days, then go back for more.

This of course is a different scenario than where I've been mad at someone and lashed out. That is a more difficult situation, where there is legitimatley an issue but it is handled badly. I've done this a lot. A ton. I've messed up and tried to fix it, but I didn't know how. So, I did the best I could and realized that's all I could do, that maybe in that situation annoyance isn't the answer. And its painful to lose a friend this way. Death is easier. You don't have to worry about running into a dead person at the grocery store when you are ten pounds heavier wearing your makeup from the day before in your sweats with the bleach stains on them. And if you did that would be a whole different issue.

So, I guess the moral of this is the next time you are wronged to remember that you've wronged someone and don't be so quick to get up on your high horse of perfection. People mess up. They do amazingly stupid things for a million different reasons, and its hard to come back and own up to those...and its even harder when the person doing the apologizing is apologizing to someone who thinks they are perfect and has never messed up. There are a lot of gray areas in life. Pay attention to your friends. Acknowlege them. Remember that not everyone forwards emails to their entire address book... lots of people go through the list to make sure they didn't send it to someone inappropriate. And remember that tomorrow is a new day, but today is already here.