Online Dating v. Just Living

I'm single. I've almost always been single. That's not to say I haven't dated men, but I definitely don't feel like I've had many quality dates. None of this is news: what is news, is that it is that time of year again. Weddings, BBQs, outdoor gatherings, camping trips, sailing... you name it, its happening up here. I love Seattle in the summer! There are almost so many things to do its hard to pick which one! The only problem I have with this is: I'm always the 3rd, 5th, 7th, or 121st wheel. Ok, I don't have 60 couple friends... but if I did, I'd be the token single girl.

Most people will say things like, but you could meet someone at the (insert event here), which is entirely possible. I very well might spend time talking to someone at a bar, BBQ, wedding, concert, or friends house party, give them my number, and never hear from them again.

This is the scenario that most fits my life.

Well, why not match.com?

I understand that people have met, had great dates and even gotten married through match.com, perfectmatch.com, eharmony... you get the picture. Even my 85 year old grandfather found something called catholicsingles.com and sent me an instant message one day to say "Someone is looking for you on catholicsingles.com!" -- and when I laughed he said: "You don't have much time left for that wedding to invite me to! I know he's right, after all I'm turning 30 in 23 days. That said, I'm nowhere NEAR marriage/settling down (makes me hold my breath just thinking about it), but that doesn't mean I don't want to find someone that fits my life. We'll get to that later.

I had a friend I hung out with in college, who - when I got down in the dumps about being single- would tell me things like: "you are so much better than these guys. They don't deserve you" and "if you make it to 30, have never been married, have no kids, and a good job -- guys will be lining up to date you." The latter statement I kept running over in my head when a relationship went wrong, or if another friend found her guy, or another guy friend found his wife: Well, I guess I'm just that much closer to being that great 30 year old woman! What Matt didn't tell me about that was that the men I would have to pick from would be a mix of workaholics, divorcees with children, and overgrown men reliving their college years night after night. I mean, I love going out and having a great time like the next person, but come on!

Don't get me wrong, that's not all of them. This weekend I took a look at match.com to see what I have to pick from. I found a handful of guys that I would be interested in. Most of them are the same men I find in my daily life to be attractive: outdoorsy, active, smart, creative, great smile. In fact, some of them I've actually SEEN and MET in real life. And I was attracted to them then. Why didn't they talk to me then? Why didn't we have a connection at that point? Why wait until I'm sitting in front of them with some diatribe about who my perfect man is, and why they should date me?

What I really want to happen is this:

text message alert:
Hey Katie, we're going to happy hour at _____. Come down and meet up!
my reply:
Sweet! See you there!
Hang out with some friends, meet a guy that I think is fun/funny/charming/good looking, give him my number, he calls (with or without the two day rule - I respect that) and says hey do you want to ______ today (tomorrow--Thursday, whatever)? I accept, we go to the movies, to a show, hiking, get a coffee and walk around and talk... easy right?!?! Not really.

The problem I'm finding, and I found a lot of it in those profiles (not only on match.com, but also on The Stranger's personals, Lovelab) was something that went like this: I've got a great life, and she should too. I want a woman who will be OK by herself on the weekends. I get that. I really do. I barely have time to juggle all my responsibilities with my social life. But come on! What's the trouble with being excited about someone new?

I think our world has become a little too made for order. You can find so many things that are personalized to our own requirements, that will be ready in an hour, or that will come in a color that is specifically matched to your mood. People don't come that way. People come with a life already, sometimes its packed with friends, sometimes its an activity, sometimes its work that keeps them busy. We also have access to a lot of activities here: in one day you could be out on the water, up in the mountains, go shopping for a new outfit and have dinner in the city! Its fabulous! But with our lives so packed full of activities, is there room for someone who's life mimics yours? And if you are doing the same things with the same people all the time, will you really run into someone different?


I have relatives that have had success through these online dating services. I have even gone so far as to look on them because like Dr. Phil says "Its okay to look." -- but you know what conclusion I've come to ... this just isn't going to work for me.

"Give it a chance!" you say. Well, here's the deal. I've looked. I've even posted an ad online -- and yes! Left it there for at least 2 weeks. Here's what happened.

I had 6 guys 'flirt' with me and two actually emailed me. I responded to the guys who emailed me, emailed another three, (none of them responded). And eventually carried on an email correspondence with one for a couple weeks. He was promising. Liked music, had a blog that he and his friends shared, had a job, and was really funny.

I got really busy with work, then with commuting and getting ready to leave the country, so when I had the time to email him again, it had been a week or so. He didn't respond. Oh well -- his loss. But seriously. I played it cool, I have my life, things I need to attend to, but I get a little too busy for even me sometimes. Maybe my online ad should read like this:

Quirky 30 year old seeking friend. Someone who wants to hang out with me and not be afraid of any of the following:

-phone calls at 2:30 Friday afternoon saying - lets go on a road trip this weekend! (Where? WHO CARES!!! Wherever... uh ROAD TRIP!)
-email saying: remember that band I was talking about: they are playing tonight, wanna go?
-text message saying "I'm with some friends at happy hour, come down!"

Sound too good to be true? Add on the fact that if I like you, and I probably do seeing as how I'm contacting you so much, I'll most likely want to actually spend time with you because you're fun, witty, funny, smart, up for anything, and I must think you're pretty cute!

Caveat: I'm a lot to handle. I get excited. I get happy. I laugh: loudly. I have a multitude of different friends I hang out with, and they may or may not be your cup of tea. I tell the truth...and sometimes I don't like to. But if I lie, I'll say that. "shoot, I just lied." I'm quirky. I like things that are different and out of the ordinary. I like people who are creative, smart, and have opinions. People who converse -- about things more than sports stats, cause even though I like to go to sporting events -- I don't keep track. Unless I'm trying to impress you, then I might do some research.

I wish that I could find the perfect guy -- for me. The one who isn't afraid to hang out with a girl more than once a week, because he's not thinking about how she'll take things: he's not thinking about it at all. All he knows is that he's having fun, and she's fun to be around, and if it happens that they end up becoming more, great! Someone that knows women are to be respected, and that if he doesn't want her to get the wrong idea, he won't act inappropriately as to put that idea out there. That while he has his life where he wants it, if he wants to meet someone he might need to give up one of those 4 weekend trips per month with 'the crew'(which usually is a mix of men AND women) to fit her in -- because he thinks hanging out with her is just as fun as anything he does with his friends-- its just filled with flirting instead. And at some point he may even invite her along with his friends because she would really get along with them. Don't forget about his attitude: confident, funny, smart, witty, active... and his style: flip flops, some longer(not long hair, but just a little past needing a hair cut) locks, and a good pair of jeans paired with a beanie or a baseball hat. I'll be a happy girl.

So, I guess my old fashioned plan will just have to work. Be me. Smile at boys. Have fun in life. Eventually someone I find irresistible will find me irresistible. Until then, if you know someone that fits my perfect man requirements: send him my way.

Oh yeah: here's the pic I'd use in my personal ad