Fire In Your Eyes

I fell in love for the first time at 16. I didn't take long; it never does. I used to get dizzy when he would kiss me. I'd lose my train of thought if he was standing close to me. Touching him made the room spin.

I met him at a hs dance that was put on as a fundraiser for an afterschool activity I was part of. He was one of four people who showed up. I walked over to ask his friend to dance, but of course he'd asked D already. D was the gorgeous one. D was thin with long golden hair and a bright welcoming smile - she always got the guy. But, instead of retreating, I instead asked his dark haired friend to dance. JO.

He was the first guy to scare me enough to envoke fight-or-flight. I ran from him. I avoided him. And when he called one night I just let him go. I used to blame it on the fact that my parents were getting a divorce and I couldn't handle it, but if I were to be completely honest it was because I liked him so much it hurt. And he liked me back. I'm pretty sure he was the last guy to really like me as much as he did.

He used to write me letters. Love letters. Yes, ladies and gentlemen I have authentic love letters. Handwritten, lined notebook paper, bad handwriting, bad jokes, and old nicknames love letters. I still have them sitting in a small box in my closet. There is one in particular that on my darkest days, I'll take out and read. There is a line in it that keeps me going when it seems like I've lost hope or faith or footing. It brings me back to a time when I knew what I wanted and nothing was going to stand in my way.

There is a fire in your eyes that I can't explain...

I'd held this in my heart for years. Wondered where he went and what he ended up doing with his life. I got my answer and a giant kick in the gut a few years back.

I was at a football game with my aunt. We had amazing seats and spent our morning screaming along with the rest of the crowd. Partially through the second quarter, I kept hearing someone call my name - which happens often because, well it's not like my name is obscure. But then he yelled my full name. I turned to see who I thought was an old friend from college. Thirty seconds later it hit me and I slowly turned to see him smiling at me. We met up to get beers at the 1/2 and the first thing he said was "I've been looking for you for years. You're the hardest person to find. Thank you for the flowers. "

His brother died on a backcountry hiking trip and the first time I'd seen JO in years was when he was on TV talking about it. He looked horrible, as to be expected, but his hair was too long, he was thin and unshaven. He looked like he'd had a hard life. Turns out he'd been on a research ship for months and came back to find out his brother was missing. I sent flowers, but the florist wouldn't give him my information.

Fast forward 4 or 5 years and he's standing in front of me. We are both just looking at each other smiling and saying things like... where are you, what are you doing, where are you living? Are you married? Kids? No to both. And then he said something else I'll never forget:

"I thought you'd be in Europe by now.." so did I. So. Did. I. Life happens.

I dropped him off at his friend's house the next morning. He was pretty quiet on the way and I was giggling about the whole thing. Too funny. He opened the door and turned to face me and said, "I'll call you." The thoughts came quickly I need paper to write down my, you don't know my, oh you don't want my... I'm pretty sure my face said what my voice wanted to but couldn't. As disappointments go, this was a big one.

His wedding was the next week. I lost respect for him when he closed the door to my car and walked across the street. He was a small catalyst to where I am now and a daily reminder that no matter who they are... some people just have a hold on you.

Someday I'll burn the letters and prom picture. But, as horrible as a memory as I have of him now, he is still part of my favorite memory from that time. Dancing in a castle.