La La Land

Hollywood is a magical place where glamorous men and women clad in the latest fashions live out ordinary lives on large screens, celebrities abound, and happy endings aren't just another part of the adult industry. Hollywood is where dreams come true.

Unless you are me.

My second work trip sent me to LA where I entered my hotel room overlooking the pool and immediately snapped a picture for a vitamin D-deprived amiga back home in the PNW. Amidst texts from she and a phone call from a college buddy who now lives near me in the desert I changed my flips out for some heels and headed downstairs to the boothing area to help set up the booth. JA was there holding down the fort as usual. Adorable as usual. It's just unfortunate because I feel huge next to her.

Apparently, our supplies have not arrived yet. No problem, we usually get there a few hours early and since we weren't the only ones missing our supplies we didn't feel as bad. The setup guys tell us we'll have our things by 3, so we wait.

As we sit, we're discussing the return trip. Apparently, I'd booked an entire extra day, so without reacting or even letting anyone know - I immediately get on the crackberry to change my flight and decide to deal with the hotel later. I'm totally sweating and feverishly hoping I don't have to pay $100 to change the flight and that I can cancel the hotel before it's too late.

And then it happens

I glance up to see Eyecandy walking into the room. Since I was in the middle of changing my flight on my phone I didn't give him the reception he deserved (applause, confetti, musical accompaniment...)and I'm pretty sure this set the tone for the two days we were there. He was not as flirtatious as the first time we met. In fact, if I didn't know better, he seemed uncomfortable around me or that he was purposefully avoiding me. Either way it was clear...goodbye great memory, it was fun while it lasted.

We finally got our supplies and were able to set up moments (I mean a literal 5 minutes) before the happy hour that was happening in the same room we were in. Just in time. JA invited me to dinner with her and a friend, so I decided to do that, even though I really just wanted to go upstairs and look out over the pool. No qt with eyecandy. sigh. It really was fun while it lasted even if it only lasted 4 days.

Next morning gets me up pretty early. I head down to meet up with JA outfitted in some much better looking threads than I had the time before complete with new adorable heels. I felt good, I looked good, and I was in LA the place where dreams come true. There was one minor snag in my morning - the sweater I bought had one of those huge tags on it that you have to cut off and I didn't have scissors. I'd have to stop at the bell desk on my way down.

I meet up with JA, get my morning coffee, and head over to the bell desk to cut off this ridiculous tag. Most of the morning I've been traversing the lobby in front of a bar area with patrons drinking their morning coffee or reading the paper. As I head to the bell desk I think I see Eyecandy out of the corner of my eye. Mental note: check on my way back. In the meantime, the bellman has a great time pointing out that you're supposed to take the tags off before you get dressed.. yadda yadda. Thanks buddy...

I try to slyly look over to see if it is in fact Eyecandy and to my astonishment, he's looking straight at me! I walk over to say good morning, get some good small talk in and am greeted with a morning hug...sigh with a smile... We chit chat for a minute or so and I invite him over to sit with JA and I. He declines-something about outlets for his computer-and I excuse myself to go back over to JA and my coffee.

I'm standing in front of JA reveling in my morning hug moment and she says four words that ruin the moment, "your zipper is down."

OH COME ON! My morning hug sullied by an overlooked zipper! Did he see that? I zip up my zipper and try to pretend like it's no big deal and the whole way downstairs I'm thinking... you're so lame. so lame! I can't take you anywhere.

We head to the room were sitting in for the entire day. What a boring day. Eyecandy isn't really around much, I mean who would be.. it's lame in here, but at least they have a good breakfast spread. I think by the time I visit the restroom for the first time I've ingested 32 oz of fluids and it's time to go.

Here's a pivotal point in my life. Ever since moving to the desert I've had to deal with cockroaches. They're in my kitchen. They're in my bathroom, they're dead under the sink at work and they gross me out. I'll never forget the first time I saw one. I think it was the same reaction I had when I jumped off the pier into Puget Sound at leadership camp. I vaguely remember someone jumping in and helping me swim to shore because my body completely - and quite literally - froze and I couldn't breathe. Dealing with them involves a can of raid and checking the floor before entering the room. I digress.

Anyway, I'm headed to the bathroom to do my thing. Walk in, do my newly found routine of checking the area lest I get stuck in close quarters with a bug, and find a bugless stall. About 13 seconds (that might be long enough to be ready to pull the pants down) I hear a woman exit her stall and say "Bug. Big bug. REALLY big bug." ok. I gotta check this out. As I exit the stall (pants up and zipped, thank you)I find a woman standing to my right, and as I look to see where she is pointing I almost lose it.

There in front of me is my worst nightmare.

You know when you start to feel like you're getting sick, so you look up your symptoms on WebMD and by the time you're done you're convinced you have 'the big c?' That's what I did when I started to research my enemy: the cockroach. And I found these pictures of these enormous creatures that couldn't possibly exist. They must have been photoshopped. But here I stand, in front of a bug that is quite possibly the size of my foot. I ran.

I get back to the booth. I'm shaken. My faith in this hotel is non existant and I'm grateful to the woman who saved my life in the bathroom. And here is Eyecandy watching me turn into a little girl. Sigh.

At one point during the day I'm sitting next to Eyecandy and I ask him about his trip to Las Vegas over Valentine's day weekend. His response shocked me. "Oh, yeah, it was fun. It was just me and a couple buddies..." pretty much everything after that had me reeling... what! No romantic Valentine's day with your non-flatulent musical girlfriend?!?!? smile. And you were out of town for Valentine's day which means....there might not be a fabulous girlfriend... exciting!

And, true to form, at the end of the conference I have to say something embarrassing. It goes like this: after two glasses of wine, we're packing up and I go over to say goodbye. I get my hug and pull away to say "You should call me if you're ever in town..." almost as if I have no control over what comes out of my mouth and it's out there hanging in the air between us before I can grab it and put it back in. That was pretty forward for me and I'm pretty sure he was just as caught off guard. But, he gave me the shootdown in the form of "Uh, yeah. I have your linkedin."

Why do I even open my mouth.? Why?