The night I swore off men.

I swore off men at around 10:00 on Thursday June 28th.

At around 11:00 Daldon* walks through the front door. Daldon and I have a small history. Here it is:

Between 24 and 27 I had my midlife crisis. Didn't know where I was supposed to be going or what I was supposed to be doing or who I was supposed to be with. But, I can tell you who I WASN'T supposed to be with, and those were the people I was hanging out with at the time.

They were always referred to as 'the dudes.' A buch of guys I met through a co-worker who ended up moving down the block from me. My roommate at the time made it very hard for me to distance myself from these guys since she didn't want to distance herself from them.

Long story short: I was involved with one of them. It was horrible. My self esteem was in the gutter telling me I should be happy someone was even paying attention to me, while my brain was screaming at me to get out while I still had a chance... then there was the birthday party that was thrown for me (it was actually just an excuse for those guys to have a party and coincided with my 27th birthday, so we all just said it was for me.) One of the girls that hung around brought a friend of hers who I remember taking an interest in because he was good looking. But, since I was 'involved' with one of the guys and there was all kinds of drama surrounding the situation and my brain and self esteem were duking it out to see which had the bigger cohones...well. I was pretty much a mess.

I remember running into him when we were out drinking (something that was fueling the self esteem from the gutter) and thinking "it would be really nice if I could just chill with this guy." But that was just not going to happen because of the circumstances: friends in the way, guys in the way, insecurities abounding.

The last thing I remember about Doland was the night we met up for trivia. This was probably the second or third time we'd hung out, but I always kept my distance. I guess I was feeling out the 'vibe' so to speak. As he was walking me out to my car I kept thinking to myself 'this is where he kisses me.' but I couldn't figure out if I wanted that to happen or not, and at the time he would have had to go the whole 100% instead of the 90/10% ratio. So. It didn't happen.

Shortly after this, I decided to move out to get my own place. This was the best decision I made over those last 5 years. I got my own place (which I ended up hating) broke up with my best friend, dated a guy that was the worst guy I dated yet, and basically self destructed in the privacy of my own apartment. After all this was done, I slowly opened up to people outside my comfort zone. And I mean SLOOOOWLY. But, I met a woman who inspired me to take a chance I'd been talking about for years. And I did. I moved out of my apt into my mom's house, commuted and housesat for 7 months, went to Costa Rica for two, came back my old self and decided I was ok.

3 months later. My life begins to resemble the one that was falling apart. My just paid off car breaks down and causes me $1200 worth of repairs for which I had to get a credit card even though I'd also just paid off all that debt as well. My dad is sick, I've changed my plan for leaving the country again and decided after a long talk with brother dearest that I needed to just pick something and stick with it for awhile. So, I decided to choose Seattle. I'm sticking with Seattle for awhile.

On my way to pick up my now fixed Jeep, I am talking to a co-worker on the way up the escalator to her car where we will go drop me off at my Jeep. As I step on the escalator, I see at the top of the stairs a really good looking guy. Mental note.. need to check him out once he gets closer. As I'm telling my story to my co-worker, I look as the guy is right in eye view to give him a little smile, and when I do, I do a second take and realize its Doland! We have about a 20 second exchange of HEY! How are you?!?!?! Where are you now? Do you work here? and then I get to the top of the escalator (where I should have gone down to follow him but didn't) and he gets to the bottom, and we both sort of shrug and keep going. I tell my co-worker who he is and she says "You know, he's one of those guys that gets better looking with age, and they are hard to find. You should try and find him."

Which brings me full circle to that group I hung out with when my self esteem was so low. Do I contact them to see if I can find him? Do I try and find him on my own? Do I ride up and down the escalator for weeks to see if he shows up again?

I decided to give it one try. After three days of deliberation, I emailed two of the guys from the group, and got nowhere. So, I gave up. And I tried to pursue the shy guy who was showing no signs of interest, but was at least keeping me distracted. Then, after a bad day I swore off men.

Thursday June 28, 2007. 10:00pm. "I'm done. I'm totally done with guys. I will never understand them, and I'm done trying." And this time I really meant it.

Thursday June 28th, 2007. 11:00pm. The Red Door. Seattle, WA.
Here I sit with my friend Shelley who has helped keep me sane, who I am increasingly becoming irritated with because we are having a misunderstanding. I am in a bad mood. And I look at her and say "I'm leaving after I finish this beer. I don't need to be in public, I'm just in a bad mood." Then, as she's talking to me, I watch as this guy walks up the ramp. Fake tan, buff arms in a sleeveless softball jersey, swagger when he walks. "Well, at least I can entertain myself watching THAT guy..." I think to myself. So, as he walks up to the bar, I recognize the back of the guy he's with...could it be? NO... NO Waaaaaay. I'm not listening anymore to what Shelley is saying... and I blurt out

OMG! Shelley I think that's Doland!
Who?
Doland! You know the guy from the escalator story!
Well, go talk to him then.
I can't, I'm not for sure it's him.
Well, go over and see!
I'll just wait until he...

and then Doland turns around and looks at me. We spend the next 2.5 hours talking and catching up as "Gold's Gym" guy leaves, Shelley leaves, the rest of the world leaves... and we just keep talking. Until 2am.

And we just keep hanging out. And I just keep smiling.

*some names have been changed to protect those not used to blogging.